After boring the charming young lady who was his table partner at a dinner party with an endless stream of success stories, the great  violinist Mischa Elman said winningly: "Now, enough about myself – what about you? How did you enjoy my last concert?"



How do you know when it’s a singer at the front door? She’s lost the key and doesn’t know when to come in.



The music teacher came twice a week to bridge the awful gap between Dorothy and Chopin.



A tooter who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor  "Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?"



A certain eminent soprano was advised by her conductor, probably Sir Thomas Beecham, to lie down on the floor in order to produce more tone. "I  can’t sing in that position!", she exclaimed.
"Madame", replied the Maestro, "I am assured that you have given some of your best performances in that position."



About Otto Klemperer. A fan came to see him all the way from Brazil and through begging and pleading managed to get to his back stage door. Finally he was let in and approached Klemperer who was sitting studying a score. "Maestro, you are the best. I have come half-way across the world and the concert was magnificent."
The reply was somewhat terse... close the door on the way out and have a safe trip home. 



Frederick the Great: "Is the tempo alright?" Quantz: "Which one, my lord?"



A young composer came to Mozart for advice."Begin writing simple things at first – songs with keyboard only accompaniment, perhaps."
"But you were composing symphonies as a child", said the young man.
"True," said Mozart."but I didn’t have to go to anybody to find out how to do it."



This actually happened to a friend of mine.
My friend had a professional engagement playing at a funeral in London. He arrived at a vast cemetery in the pouring rain and proceeded to search for the funeral party. Having at last found it he set up his equipment and played as best as he could in the awful weather. When the funeral was completed he went to one of the organizers who thanked him for his wonderful music. When he requested his fee he was told…"We didn’t engage any musicians for this funeral…" He had played at the wrong funeral!